New Game Platforms Shock Community! By Jason Cross

Ladies and gentlemen, the exclamation point ("!") is utilized in a variety of different ways, sometimes to express surprise ("The hamster is gone!"), sometimes in conjunction with a question mark, to indicate shock or amazement ("What do you mean by 'meltdown'?!?"), and sometimes to create emphasis. Emphasis! This, my friends, is the purpose which the exclamation point at the beginning of this article, and henceforth throughout, serves. Emphasis, I say! Read on with this in mind.

Video games! A market fraught with peril, danger and adventure! How do you sell your particular product to the target audience? How, I ask?!? The risks of such ventures are hard to define, and scary to think about. Recently, several hard-hitting corporations have released their newest creations onto the gaming community, with results so exciting it would be impossible to list them here! Most fans of video gaming have already "acquired" the newest systems by now, and sit idly by, waiting for something new to consume. Well, I am proud to announce the Reality Syndicate's entry into the veritable death-race of video game marketing: I present to you the following, fans of video entertainment. Fasten your seatbelts and hold on to something, because it's going to be a rough ride, and my shocks are in dire need of repair!

The first of our showcase systems is known only as the mysterious "GAMEBOX": very little is known about the details of this exciting new system, and many intelligence operatives have given their lives for the information we now possess. What we do know is that this gaming powerhouse is going to rock the community like a community-rocking machine of some kind.

Rumors have been circling about the incredible processing power of the Gamebox, with figures ranging between 800Kp/s and 192400Kp/s being the projected primary speed of the internal processing unit. You don't have to be a genius to understand that those numbers look impressive and probably have some kind of meaningful purpose. Hey, with a logo like this, you know it's going to be powerful.

Talk of games for the Gamebox has been very secretive, but we have managed to secure information about the first game slated for release on the Gamebox, titled "Yokosake Bang-Bang Super Monster Blast-Off Fun?!?", or YBBSMBOF?!? for short. The photo you see to the right is the best recreation we could muster, considering the poor-quality, blurred snapshot taken by one of our operatives in the field. Buzz about this game is almost audible, as literally several people are eagerly awaiting its release. Though secrecy surrounding the Gamebox itself is tight, we managed to learn a bit about this innovative and unique game.

YBBSMBOF?!? is expected to be a smash hit among long-time gaming fans, both for its extremely vague title and hectic, seizure-inducing gameplay. According to a secure source, the game will revolve around "a purple cat with a suit-coat and an 18-foot long tail whose mission is to throw explosive rockets at things, chase after hyperactive mice in prison uniforms, scream Japanese phrases at the camera, drink various liquids and rotate boxes around a central axis to create groups which then disappear." (To the left is an artist's rendition of a possible "cat") Although this description is a bit hard to grasp, it is clear that Yokosake Bang-Bang Super Monster Blast-Off Fun?!? will be a smash hit involving a Japanese cat or other animal of some sort.

Next on our wonderful, fun-filled tour of new releases comes the "X-CUBE", straight from Banana Computers and ready and willing for competition with the new Gamebox. Sporting a sleek logo and probably some very impressive processing power, the X-Cube is sure to be a best-seller among whoever it is that buys whatever this particular product sells. Like the Gamebox, there is a veil of secrecy draped over the face of the X-Cube, which serves two purposes: 1) Limiting information to reporters like me, and 2) Providing opportunities for descriptive metaphors, such as "veil of secrecy."

Part of the X-Cube's rumored claim to fame will be its decreased size: the projected weight of the unit will be around 0.28 grams, and games will come on reduced-size CD's with a radius measurable only in microns. Insertion of the game into the unit will require surgical tools, provided upon purchase of the X-Cube, as well as a magnifying glass or extremely powerful microscope. Banana Computers has announced possible plans for an optional "auto-loader" system, which will automatically load games into the X-Cube, to retail for $899.

One of our operatives managed to sneak a scanning electron microscope into the X-Cube showroom, and took this incredible photograph of an X-Cube game CD resting near the Ordovician cyclostome bryozoan Cuffeyella arachnoidea. You can tell just by looking at it that this particular game will be a big success, even if it's in a miniscule package. Truly, it looks like the days of wasted space in the field of video games are over!

Unfortunately, that's all the information we were able to find for now, but we will try to keep you, the devoted reader, posted. If you or anybody you know would like more information regarding either the Gamebox or the X-Cube, please e-mail the Reality Syndicate Intelligence Network at info@reality-syndicate.com.

-Jason Cross