Giants:
Citizen Kabuto - An In-Depth Review
By Jason Cross |
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PART ONE - CHARACTERS AND CREATURES
Click the image to go to Kabuto
Online and get all the info you need about Giants!
Then head over
to Planet Moon Studios to revel
in just how great this game really is.
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If
you're anything like me (and for your sake I hope you all are),
you've been swept away in the hi-resolution, action-packed gaming
craze that is Giants: Citizen Kabuto. What follows is an
in-depth review of this fantastic game from Planet
Moon Studios by a true fan: so read, enjoy, and then go play
the game!
Please
note: This article is a satire!
If you haven't played Giants: Citizen Kabuto, please be
aware that this is not even close to what the game is really
like.
In truth, it is easily the best game of its kind, and the
author of this "review" recommends it above any
other purchase you could possibly make. Even a Ferrari.
Because, I mean, those are cool, but you can't really smash
anything with them. Or, it's not as much fun, anyway...
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On
with the review!
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To truly
understand the computer gaming phenomenon that is Giants: Citizen Kabuto,
one must first understand the collected cast of characters and creatures
that collaborate to create a completely characteristic collection of creative
and clever environments within the game. The following is an exhaustive
explanation of each, along with nifty screen shots.
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KABUTO
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Here
we see Mr. Kabuto posing for a close-up. Isn't he just adorable?
In Giants: Citizen Kabuto, it seems just about everybody is
pals with this lovable chap who spends his days spreading
peace and love over the planet's surface.
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The first and
foremost, of course, is Kabuto himself, who (in a clever
twist of irony, I must say!) is referred to as a "giant",
when infact, as can be clearly seen at left, he stands only about
knee-high to whomever took this photo. Kabuto is troubled deeply
by the invasion of his peaceful planet by the evil Mechs and
sets out to seek the help of the heroic Sea Rippers.
As is clearly
obvious, Kabuto tries to be intimidating despite his physical shortcomings,
which boosts his self-confidence but also unfortunately sparks resentment
in his fellow creatures, the result of which is an endless stream
of bloodshed and death.
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The Mechs,
or Mech-o-rins (no doubt a loving reference to FASA's famous
Mechwarrior series!), are the source of most conflict with the peaceful
and harmless Kabuto. These monstrous metallic beasts invaded poor
Kabuto's planet (Planet Moon) without warning, raining fiery
death upon his tiny village and destroying his miniature castle
with pure, unbridled hatred. The Mechs are equipped with all sorts
of shiny metal devices, such as the infernal Big Bomb That Jumps
(which is a big bomb that jumps) and gyro-copters armed with
Anti-Peace Napalm Saturation Grenades.
Throughout the
game, the player starts to hate the Mechs more and more, as their
evil deeds escalate bit by bit until the final climax - but I won't
ruin the part where they destroy the planet for you! You have to
play it yourself!
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MECHS
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This
devious Mech is plotting to kill that poor Smartie he has
strapped to his back. Just look at that menacing posture -
you can literally feel the evil emanating from those beady,
glazed eyes! And look at that gun! Run for cover, little Kabuto!
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SEA
RIPPERS
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See
that evil Mech in the foreground? He's about to be crushed
by that mighty Sea Ripper's Crush spell! The Sea Rippers employ
all sorts of nifty magic to free poor Kabuto from the threat
of the insolent Mechs.
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Fear not, gentle
Kabuto, all hope is not lost! Help is on the way, and it's in the
form of the mighty Sea Rippers!
Originating from a vast underwater city off the coast of Kabuto's
peaceful island, the Sea Rippers heard the commotion and decided
to get involved. It's a good thing, too, because poor Kabuto is
powerless against the towering Mechs - The Sea Rippers, however,
are another story.
Capable of casting
all sorts of super-destructive magic spells, the Sea Rippers are
a force to be reckoned with. Even the "impenetrable" armor
of the Mechs becomes considerably more penetrable when a Sea Ripper
casts her Kill-o-Matic spell!
Side note:
I don't know if anyone else caught this joke, but I noticed that
on the official Giants website, Sea Rippers are referred to as "lovely,
ethereal females" with "vixen charm." Ha! I bet those
crazy fellows over at Planet Moon are still laughing over that one!
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A
beautiful yet primitive and disgusting race of ground-dwelling predators,
the Reapers have existed on Planet Moon for eons.
They have lived in vast underground caves for all that time, emerging
only briefly to capture Smarties in their evil Death Bubbles
(see photo to the right). These poor victims are brought back
to a secret underground cave, where they are ceremoniously sacrificed
to a vicious, merciless Mech named Baz (short for
Bazheed) in the hopes that he will spare the Reaper populace
for another day.
Leading
a life of the purest evil, Reapers use their evil-powered bows
and Arrows of Evil to hunt the peaceful offspring of poor
Kabuto, as well as the natural predators, the Vamps.
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REAPERS
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This
poor Smartie is about to be sacrificed to some pagan Reaper
god, no doubt - unless a heroic Sea Ripper can stop this evil
temptress, her poor victim will be nothing more than a snack
for some bloodthirsty Mech-o-rin!
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SMARTIES
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Smarties:
despite their name, they seem to have the brain capacity of
a doorknob. A STUPID doorknob. With massive head trauma. But
still, you get to play as them for the majority of the game.
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Smarties are
the indigenous, creepy tribespeople of Planet Moon. With
translucent blue eyes filling their hollow, glistening eye sockets,
these phenomenally stupid creatures dress in attire quite similar
to the philosophers of ancient Rome, in the hopes that this will
make them look more intelligent.
Instead, they
manage only to become captives of the evil Reapers and fodder
for the gigantic Mech-o-rins. Being caught and/or slaughtered
by the thousands, these poor victims are helpless to resisit the
destructive forces that lash out against them. Fortunately, the
valiant Sea Rippers are here to save the day!
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Although
some people think that Vamps, another indigenous lifeform
of Planet Moon, appear peaceful and almost sheep-like, those
people are WRONG! These creatures are the purest killing machines
alive - capable of ripping a Smartie's head off with their blade-like
teeth or taking down large trees with their massive, powerful
raptor-like foreclaws.
The
Mechs, being as twisted and evil as they are, actually hunt these
creatures for food - due to their ridiculous size, the Mech-o-rins
are actually quite capable of taking down an adult Vamp, with a
little firepower and a lot of skill. Most other creatures, however,
especially the amiable Kabuto, try to avoid the Vamps at
all costs rather than confront them - a wise move indeed.
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VAMPS
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This
photo was taken only moments before the cameraman was torn
limb from limb by the Vamps' rasor-sharp fangs and long foreclaws.
Such vicious and unwarranted attacks are characteristic of
this carnivorous killer.
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KABUTO'S
OFFSPRING
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Like
father, like son: unfortunately, the children of Kabuto are
oppressed equally by the vicious Mechs: this one is trying
to escape from his would-be captor, the evil Bazheed.
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Kabuto's Offspring
are the lovingly nurtured children of everyone's favorite Citizen,
Kabuto. As peaceful as good old Kabuto himself, they are
often seen quietly roaming the landscape, smiling happily at beautiful
things like the sun, a tree, or a rock. Unfortunately,
their peaceful lifestyle was disturbed when the cruel, heartless
Mechs invaded Planet Moon, forcing Kabuto and his
progeny into exile.
Now forced into
a life of captivity, the children of Kabuto are helping their dear
old dad find help - and it is in the form of the mighty and noble
Sea Rippers that they will finally find it!
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This
er... "review" of Giants was brought to you by the Reality
Syndicate: dedicated to blurring the line between comedy and reality,
as well as confusing people along the way and maybe even moving the line
a bit, so that it's even harder to find... Or maybe erasing the line completely...
Stay
tuned for more in-depth reviewing of Giants: Citizen Kabuto! Bookmark
this site now and come back frequently to see what's new! If you don't
have Giants, go buy it! If you do, go play it! Then come back here again!
OK! Go! Now!
( click
here to e-mail the author )
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