Misfit
Gods
By Chris Clark |
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From some random year in the time known as "BC" to another
random year in the time known as "AD," the Roman empire was
born, lived, and died. This great set of people was known for many things,
among them was stealing culture from Greeks (or as the Romans mockingly
called them, Geeks).
Sure, we've all heard of the powerful Roman Gods such as Jupiter, Venus,
Mars, etc. But gods were just like regular people, and so, like regular
people, there must have been some that were not too popular but their
job had to be done by somebody.
 The
Reality Syndicate Archeology and Anthropology Department has recently
uncovered some ancient Roman texts that tell us many new things about
gods never known to exist to the modern world! Such gods were never worshiped
and no sacrifices were made to them as they were thought to have no real
power at all. These are gods that anthropologists have dubbed "Misfit
Gods." Here's an overview of the few that we've discovered so far!
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Scoopulus,
God of Spoons
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Name:
Scoopulus
(SKOO'pyoo'less)
Domain: Spoons
History:
Spoons have always been revered as the most influential piece of
silverware known to man. Even though it is still unsure as to whether
Romans even knew of the existence of spoons, there is no question
that this recently discovered god is the master of them. Occasionally,
Romans would inscribe his face onto spoons in order to give the
spoon strength from accidental bending, but for the most part nobody
really knew Scoopulus existed.
Mythology:
In mythology, unfortunately, being the god of one type of utensil
and nothing more kept Scoopulus perpetually annoyed with his role.
As the uncle of Venus he felt he deserved more to control, as there
was no real work involved in keeping spoons in line. Scoopulus challenged
the throne of Jupiter countless times, but failed repeatedly since
his only weapons and armies were composed of spoons and spoon byproducts.
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Goalio,
God of Referees
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Name:
Goalio
(GULL'ee'oh)
Domain: Referees
History:
Roman sporting events ranged from the areas of nonviolent boring
stuff to brutally violent and entertaining Gladiator competition.
Regardless of the sport or the event, a referee was always present.
Of course, if a referee was present, their mighty god was present
also, in his greatness.
Mythology:
In Roman mythology, Goalio was Jupiter's cousin's lawyer's son.
He was the official at all sporting events for the gods, and once
successfully convinced Jupiter to allow Two Point Conversions in
Gladiatorial combat on the professional level. Goalio was loved
and hated by other gods, depending on what calls he made for certain
teams that the gods always rallied for.
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Snootus,
God of Choreography
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Name:
Snootus
(SNOO'tuss)
Domain: Choreography
History:
One thing the Romans loved more than bloody deaths on the floor
of the Coliseum was musical theatre. Any good opening night began
with an offering of thanks to Snootus his help in organizing tap
lines and getting the dance numbers to look "dazzling."
Many Roman stages had small statues of Snootus back stage to bring
luck and talent to dancers in the show.
Mythology:
Mythologically speaking, Snootus was a brother to Mercury, the messenger.
Mercury was a very swift god and Snootus took after him well. Growing
up, word spread of Snootus' amazing tap abilities and soon he was
doing one man shows to packed amphitheaters. He earned the title
of "God of Choreography" after his brilliant work
done in Marcus Aurelius's Romulus and Remus, Superstars.
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So there you have it, three gods previously unbeknownst to modern civilization.
What does this tell us about Roman culture, Roman religion, and Romans
in general?
They had a lot of free time on their hands.
-Chris Clark
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