Heroes on Parade By Chris Clark

Batman's getting slow in his old age. Superman has enough to do around Metropolis. The Powerpuff Girls have their hands full with giant monsters traipsing through the City of Townsville multiple times a week. Aqua man? Nope. You need a real hero.

Enter:
The Super Justice People!

CAPTAIN HIKER Leader of the Super Justice People, Captain Hiker is ready to combat evil at all times. Always prepared with a change of clothes, a sleeping bag, some trail mix, and a full canteen, this brave and brawny backpacker will never be caught off guard! The Captain maintains his alternate identity of mild mannered Skip Hodges, a claims adjuster for a small insurance company. At the slightest sound of trouble he's off to the scene in his '87 Honda Civic, ready for action!

THE EIGHT BALL Evil in the corner pocket! Beware villains... It's the Eight Ball! The Eight Ball is one powerful pool ball. His spherical form gives him the unique ability to roll down inclined plains, and up inclined plains if he already has a bit of momentum! Equipped with a cyanide tipped pool cue and a razor sharp death triangle, this fierce hero will bankshot crime right of the table! Okay, I think that's enough with the billiards innuendo.

CONVINCIO The final member of this troupe of intrepid crime fighters is Convincio. Armed with amazing powers of persuasion and circular logic, Convincio can enter the minds of villains! Well, not really enter their minds per se, but he can twist their own words around and make them feel self contradictory. Convincio also carries a blaster! Mostly for show, as he has never fired it, the blaster comes in quite handy for threatening crooks without actually following through.

I caught up with the Super Justice People at their base of operations, the Hall of Freedom. Located just south of Weehauken, New Jersey, I was surprised to find that this hall was actually Captain Hiker's three bedroom house. The lawn was very well groomed, two bathrooms, track lighting, hardwood floors, Burger King adjacent. The three heroes had a busy schedule that afternoon, but I managed to get in a few words.

The Interview

	Me, Chris Clark, asking the questions
	Captain Hiker
	The Eight Ball
	Convincio

	Well gentlemen, thank you for giving me some of your time.
	My pleasure! Ho! Justice Unite! Freedom for all!
	I don't like your tie. You should change you tie immediately.
	Uh, yeah... Well tell me about the crime fighting life.
	WE FIGHT CRIME FOR THE BENEFIT OF HUMANKIND
	Yikes! Is that your voice? It sounds like a cat in a microwave being run over by a roller coaster.
	Ho! Eight Ball is sensitive about the sound of his voice! Truth!
	You think your tie is hideous. You want to wear a new tie.
	I LIKE YOUR TIE
	Eight Ball, you hate his tie. His tie is ugly. You hate his tie. Hate.
	I DISLIKE YOUR TIE
	Okay, enough about the tie... I'd like to ask you guys about your—
	Great markers of trails! According to the crime computer, Dr. Doom is planning to blow up the Atlantic Ocean!
	Crime computer? You mean that old Power Mac in the corner?
	By the badge of the park rangers! Surely you know that the Crime Computer is incapable of becoming obsolete! Crime doesn't get upgrades! Ho!
	I'M HUNGRY... CONVINCIO I'D LIKE YOU TO SHARE SOME OF YOUR PIE
	Eight Ball, you hate pie. Pie is disgusting. You hate pie. Hate.
	Um...
	I THINK I'LL GO TO BURGER KING
	Sweet salty trail mix! There's no time Eight Ball! Dr. Doom won't wait for you to place your order! Ho! To the Super Justice People Crime Car!

It was at that point that the three dashed out the door into Captain Hiker's '87 Honda Civic and sped off down the street. Before they reached the end of the block the car came screeching to a halt and then proceeded, in reverse, straight to the Burger King drive-thru.

It's comforting knowing the world is safe in their able hands.

-Chris Clark