Wearing the Horns By Alex Owens

Hello ladies and gentlemen! I, investigative reporter Alex Owens, have an interview that the people at CNBC would sell their souls for. In fact I did sell my soul for this interview! So who could this interview be with? Take a minute to think about it; I'll wait.

Still here? Excellent! Well, you guessed it. I have tracked down and interviewed the devil! The Devil is also commonly known by such names as:

• Satan
• Lucifer
• Kathy Lee Gifford
• The Prince of Darkness

I caught up with the Devil in his summer home on the third level of Hell. Here's something to keep in mind before reading this interview: For the sake of realism, I have refrained from editing any of the Devil's comments so if you are faint of heart or have any little children near by I suggest visiting another site until you are man enough to face this interview.

Still here? Excellent! Now for the interview.

	Me, Alex Owens, asking the questions
	The Prince of Darkness himself

		First of all, thank you for agreeing to this interview.
		Hmm? Oh yes, no problem.
		So Satan... may I call you that? I mean, I can use Mr. Devil if you prefer. Perhaps Lucifer or... well, anything you like.
		Oh, just call me Bob.
		Bob. May I ask where that came from?
		It’s my name. I'm Bob Anderson.
		But what about all of your other names, like Lucifer, Satan, The Prince of Darkness and so forth?
		Those? Ah, those were all made up by crazy people trying to scare kids straight. Now that MTV has a show called Scared Straight there really isn't any point in me hiding behind these horns and in this red suit.
		I see. Well, may I take a picture of you for our readers? You really don't look quite like what I expected, but a picture would be nice all the same.
		Be my guest.

Bob Anderson (the Devil)

		Well now that's out of the way... Lets get started!
		Ask away.
		I'll start by asking you why you compel people to do horrible things.
		Oh I don't do anything like that! All of the killing and such is just human nature. I simply sit back and wait for all of you silly mortals to die and march down here. At that point I get to have my fun.
		What kind of fun?
		Oh you know, the usual. Eternal fire and brimstone, pushing rocks for all time, having to sit on hot coal, and of course my personal favorite, for the people who really deserve it: listening to endless concerts of all of those teen stars who were left in the dust by the fickle public.
		What do you mean?
		You know, bands like the Spice Girls, Hanson, and so on. Them and all of those other horrible bands sold their souls for some of my help and now I make them sing 26 hours a day with nothing to drink but tap water. It's bad tap water too... tastes all metallic. Yeah, I can't wait for all of those boy bands like N*Sync and those girls like Brittany Spears and Christina Aguillera to join my little party down here.
		Don't you think that's a little cruel?
		That? Oh no, not at all! People spend millions of dollars to buy their CD's and to go to their concerts. I'm just giving it to them for free, and they're getting a lot more.
		That just doesn't seem right to me... Anywho, what about God? What is the deal between you two?
		God? God... Oh, you mean Joe! Good old Joe Johnson. He's a great guy. We have poker night every Friday. I can't wait to play again, either. He took fifty souls from me last week and I'm determined to win them back.
		Uh, you gamble for souls?
		Sure, all the time. We also play with Harry Finch, I think you know him as Zeus, and a bunch of other deities that drop by every once in a while. Hey, can we wrap this up? I'm going to be late for a date with a gorgeous Succubus I met at Illegal Pete's last night.
		Alright. Well, thank you very much, um... Bob. I think I can find my way out...
		Just a second there bucko. You're coming with me. We had a contract, remember?
		Oh, that! Well, heh... I guess I have no choice.

It was at that point that the shackles went on and I was assigned my first boulder to push. It looks like I may be here for a while. Well, I certainly hope to be able to report more from the depths of hell. So, until then, this is Alex Owens, signing out!

-Alex Owens