When Pumpkins Go Bad By Verbina

JACK O’LANTERN OR JACK THE RIPPER?

LITTLEFIELD, MN - With the arrival of fall only seven or so months away, it has become common to see the bright orange of pumpkins scattered across yards in every town. But with these normally gentle vegetables, there is a warning!

“It has come to our attention that there is a danger linked with the pumpkins.” Robert Clark, Safety Commissioner of Littlefield, MN stated in a press conference. “We believe that while the pumpkins are normally gentle and innocuous, there is a definite danger to any person dealing with them as the pumpkins seem to be angry.”

Experts believe that this turn of behavior is a result of the knowledge on the part of the pumpkins that many of their number are going to be carved by children, smashed by teens and cooked by adults in the upcoming holiday season. Peter Thomas of the local Agricultural Office states, “I have no idea as to where these things gained such intelligence. But to have the knowledge that their fellow gourds are going to be carved up or consumed would push them to actions like what we are seeing.”

Many people have come forward, telling the police of attacks by pumpkins. “They are mean tempered,” claims Carl Sherky, local farmer and grower of pumpkins. “No matter what I do, when I go out into the pumpkin patch, they are trying to trip me.”

“He was injured badly only two weeks ago,” Carl’s wife, Lydia, adds. “He was walking through the patch and a vine wrapped itself around his leg, causing him to fall and almost break his arm.”

Joshua Thrake told of the injuries he received only days before. “It was just supposed to be fun! We were smashing pumpkins the other night, like we do every year. You know, stealing the pumpkins and smashing them on the ground. I had picked up a huge pumpkin. Must have weighed about 40 pounds. I swear the darned thing jumped out of my arms!” As result of the pumpkins leap, Joshua broke a bone in his foot, preventing him from playing football for the rest of the season. He is also being questioned by police about other activities he has been involved in.

Local teen, Tom Nickle, related the most disturbing story of bizarre events. While at home, he heard a strange sound from outside his house door. He was home alone and so he went to investigate only to discover that he could not open the door of his house. After much pushing, Tom finally got the door open and looked upon a startling sight.

“Pumpkins! There were pumpkins piled against the door! There were pumpkins everywhere in the yard! They were even blocking the garage door. It’s like they were trying to trap me inside.”

After moving the pumpkins, he returned to the house only to hear similar noises a few minutes later. He once again looked outside and discovered that the pumpkins had returned and there were more of them this time. The moving of the pumpkins was repeated a total of 3 times that night.

“They were everywhere! They blocked the driveway and the doors of the house. There wasn't even a path way left for me to leave the house. They were after me!!” Tom is now resting comfortably in the local hospital though he has developed a strong dislike of anything pumpkin.

Officer Joe Williams was the first on the scene after the frantic call from Nickle came in. “I had never seen so many pumpkins in one place before. The mailbox was filled with small pumpkins while the larger ones blocked doors and vehicles. We even found one in the drivers seat of Nickle’s car.”

Further investigation showed that no one had placed the pumpkins there and Nickle does not raise them. There was simply no other explanation as to why they were there except for the fact that they had targeted the man.

“It has come to our attention that Nickle is a fan of pumpkin pie and his family was planning to carve several pumpkins for Halloween.” Officer Williams stated. “We recommend that if you are going to carve a pumpkin, please use extreme caution as we are unsure what these things are going to do.”

Safety Commissioner Clark agrees. “We simply cannot tell what these things are capable of. So we suggest that if you are going to have pumpkins, do not bring them in the house. Leave them outside and lock your doors. If you insist on carving pumpkins or preparing them for cooking, do so outside so that there is no way that you could be trapped in your home with one of these little buggers!”

As a result of this news, the demand for pumpkins at the local pumpkin farms and grocery stores has dropped dramatically. “This is going to kill me,” Carl Sherky claimed. “Either the pumpkins are going to get rid of me, or the lack or the lack of sales is going to destroy my business!”

-Verbina