Leveling Through the Underworld By Alex Owens

Here I am ladies and gentlemen, Alex Owens, reporter extraordinaire! Well maybe not extraordinaire but pretty darn cool all the same. Alright so you got me. I'm just another boring run of the mill type of guy with a pen, a pad of paper, and a purple Armadillo named Ralph. When I last left you I had sold my soul to the devil (in my first gripping article!) so now I am venturing through the different levels of hell. I have found it quite interesting!

There are a lot of preconceived notions about hell, such as the whole fire and brimstone thing, and of course the debate over levels. I've heard plenty of rumors about how many levels hell actually has: 9, 2, -13. Truthfully, as a resident of the underworld, I can tell you there are 6½. No more, no less. So, without further ado, my guide through the 6½ levels of hell!

LEVEL 1

This level wasn't too bad. In fact, looking back on it, it reminds me of a nice little place called Arizona. The temperature was usually around 100 degrees and there weren't any people in sight. This was the level for the people who get blamed for everything. I met a rather nice fellow named Not Me, a very polite but rather absentminded professor named I 'Dunno, and a very nice young lady named Someone. Someone seemed rather depressed because whenever she goes out into the world she gets in trouble. Just the other day she heard a mother yelling at her kids, saying "Someone is in big trouble for knocking over my vase!" Someone swore that she never went near the vase in question. It didn't end there, either. She was on her way back to Hell when a man came running out of a parking garage blaming her for stealing his car. The nerve! If you want my opinion I think that we should be more considerate of this poor, poor soul.

LEVEL 2

This level was a little worse than the first. Inside were the people who tell little white lies, moderately sized green lies, and I even found a short little blue liar. These people were really very nice but I couldn't get them to tell me the plain truth because they were afraid that I might get offended or hurt. The green liars didn't want to tell me the truth particularly because they were afraid that I might puke. The blue liars were afraid that I might get sad and start singing old country songs, as horrifying as that sounds.

LEVEL 3

Level three was inhabited by all of the awful musicians that became famous in their time (for reason mortals can't possibly understand), like all of the country stars. The most surprising thing of all on this level was the fact that there were already spots staked out for the Backstreet Boys, N*Sync, Brittany Spears, and Christina Aguillera. There was also an area designated for bad punk bands without an original song in their collective punk body. This level was truly Hellish, but the worst part was that there weren't any sound technicians whatsoever, so no one had the back up music to lip sync to. It was all straight singing. My ears will never be the same.

LEVEL 4

Did you ever have an elementary school teacher that you absolutely hated? How about a teacher who never let you go to the bathroom and made you sit there until your kidneys popped and your pores began to leak and all of you classmates laughed and called you the boy who didn't sweat the small stuff only pee and they never let you play in any of the games on the playground and scarred you for the rest of your life?!?!?! Err... well even if you didn't, this was the place where all of those teachers now reside. Best of all, they each dragged their little pets down. You know who I mean, the little funny guy named Chris Clark who always had the right answer and who volunteered to stay after class and clap the erasers and who always got to go to the bathroom whenever he wanted. You know him the guy we all wanted to beat up but he was behind the teacher's skirt. Well if you don't remember him believe me all of the teachers pets were there, and for visitors like me, life was sweet.

LEVEL 5

This level was interesting... There was nothing there. Emptiness. Total emptiness. One solitary demon stood guard over the expansive nothingness. I was confused for a while then I realized I could just ask the guard demon what the deal was. Apparently that was the level where all the honest politicians go.

LEVEL 6

Well, here's Level Six, my current level of residence. This place is crowded. It's full of doctors, lawyers, dishonest politicians, used car salesmen, loud neighbors, messy children and journalists, hence why this is my home too. Now, this place is weird... There is a lot of money but nothing to spend it on. There is an election held every two weeks so the politicians are always writing speeches and trying to cover up their relationships with all the different interns that are down here by any means possible. Everyone is always cheating everyone else so it is very hectic. I think that I'm going to ask Satan if I can move. Where to? Level five was nice...

Well folk's that's all for now. I hope you enjoyed it! What's that? You're wondering what the ½ level in the original 6½ that I was talking about? Well I'll tell you, but if you have a faint heart don't read on because what I am about to reveal is shocking, terrifying, and yes even sickening. My stomach turned at seeing the contents of this level. The horrible creatures that reside in the level 6½ are... *gulp* Bill Clinton and Johnny Cochran.

There, I said it! Now I need to go sterilize my tongue if you don't mind...

Well there you have it the real story on the 6½ levels of Hell. I hope you don't end up down here! It's not nearly as fun as some folks say it's supposed to be. In the meantime, I'm going to try and find a way out. Until next time!

-Alex Owens