Global
Domination Merit Badge
By Chris Clark |
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 Scouts
who enjoy playing games such as Risk, Axis and Allies, or even the seemingly
endless card game War have never had a merit badge to reward their abilities
and knowledge in the field of conquest. With this merit badge, scouts
will learn necessary skills for building an army, lying to a nation, and
even showing an adversary no mercy.
Requirements
for Global Domination Merit Badge:
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1. |
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Name all three
branches of the United States Government and ways in which they
are completely useless. Write a report on what you conclude for
your counselor.
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| 2. |
Convince your
troop or patrol of a vicious string of antigovernment lies that you
make up yourself. Make sure your convincing is absolute by ordering
the group to commit a random act of defiance to a government official
such as a police officer or a local judge.
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| 3. |
Do two of the
following:
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a. |
Visit
a dictator in a foreign country or province. Ask him/her about
different techniques involved in coaxing a nation of citizens
to follow his/her egomaniacal plan.
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| b. |
Become
an intern at your local radio station, acquiring airtime by
reading farm reports or late night news. Begin slipping subliminal
messages into your broadcasts calling for a change in power.
Continue until noticed by the station management.
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| c. |
Write
your congressman demanding radical changes in the government.
Continue writing letter after letter, each under a different
name, until the congressman decided that the district has gone
mad and resigns or begins to actually invoke radical changes
to the government.
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4. |
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Using propaganda
and loopholes in federal law, create a multinational militia bent
on control of the planet. Make sure to include brainwashed members
from at least four of the following countries:
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a. |
United
States
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| b. |
South
Africa
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| c. |
Japan
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d. |
The
Czech Republic
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e. |
Canada
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f. |
Guam
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g. |
Uganda
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h. |
Madagascar
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5. |
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Overthrow a political
figure on the state or federal level. Use enough propaganda and
slander to have the official exiled from his/her community. Take
the place of the official and rule with an iron fist for at least
three weeks.
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6. |
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Take a plot of
land by force using a militia you've created and declare it your
own country. Fend off all those who oppose with at least three of
the following methods:
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a. |
Horrific
violence
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| b. |
Brainwashing
them and having them join your faction
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| c. |
Childish
name-calling
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d. |
A
facade of diplomacy, coupled with a fake apology, followed by
horrific violence
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e. |
Overtaking
their land before they come to you
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7. |
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Overthrow
an existing country of your choice. Convert the country to a dictatorship,
naming yourself as dictator (in the event you choose to overthrow
a dictatorship, convert the nation to an absolute monarchy and name
yourself king). Rule by terror and fear for at least a month.
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8. |
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Discuss three
possible careers in global domination with your counselor. Tell
about what high school courses might be useful in one day controlling
the planet with absolute power.
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 Unfortunately,
this badge has been available for weeks and no one yet has earned it.
Every attempt seems to result in imprisonment for treason or conspiracy
for the scout and accessory to treason or conspiracy to the counselor/scoutmaster.
Does this
mean this badge is impossible? Heck no! Just challenging. We at the Syndicate
suggest that any scouts interested in earning this badge become quite
skilled in destruction of evidence and finding dirt about public officials
and individuals of law enforcement that can result in impeachment or termination.
Contact
your council office for an official merit badge pamphlet (shown right)
complete with the requirements listed above and plenty of information
on the many methods and techniques involved in global domination.
Happy
Scouting!
-Chris Clark
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