Unhappily Employed By Chris Clark

Picture this: You're sitting behind your bleak desk surrounded by drab cubicle walls. You're working on a report denoted with an acronym that's meaning is a mystery to you. It's Friday afternoon, nearing five o'clock, and people all around you are already packing up to leave the office for a weekend of self pity and depression. You go to save your work. Your computer terminal responds with a blue screen of death. You are now very angry, temper rising, and the next person to talk to you could end up severely beaten and left for dead in the dumptser behind the supermarket.

Sound familiar? If so, you're probably another face in the crowd of LOW EMPLOYEE MORALE. Also known as the workplace woes, the business blues, rat-race regret, or employment ennui, call it what you will. If you dislike your job and plan to set the office complex aflame, it could be affecting you.

The big question is how upper management is tackling low morale in the workplace. Recent studies have shown several methods of bolstering happiness in the office environment quite affective, while some proved disastrous. In this article we'll take a look at some more outrageous methods of increasing on the job fun while sacrificing little or no productivity.

INTRODUCING STIMULANTS TO EMPLOYEE FOOD/BEVERAGE

A radical idea indeed, some major companies have begun slipping small doses of psychoactive stimulants into vending machine products and water coolers. Substances range from relatively harmless and ineffective caffeine to the wildly popular crystal meth. "We've been using methamphetamines in our water coolers for the past six months," Harold Kinnet, personnel director for the ThatCola® Corporation said, "and we've seen amazing results. Employee productivity increases by 5000% in the first few hours and rival companies fear personal contact with our staff. Talk about a marketing advantage." Many ThatCola® workers complained only of mild headache, metallic tasting water, and severe mental depression coinciding with their euphoric ambition to work quickly and efficiently.

ELIMINATING CUBICLE WALLS

Another bold idea being entertained by several top minds in the business world is the abolition of all cubicle-related office structuring. Cubicles are infamous for making employees feel as if they are rats in a maze under the gaze of an omnipresent microscope. This couldn't be less true of course, as no microscopes are utilized in the advanced security camera systems spying nonstop on today's workers. Regardless, a few companies have removed all cubicle walls, all desks, and all chairs from floors resulting in vast open spaces for working. "Many employees like being able to sprawl out on an open floor with their files," said spokesperson for Generic Electronics® Jacob Lodgenford. "Even though we see a lot more kicked ribs and tripping accidents, it seems to help morale, I guess."

THEME DRESS CODE DAYS

An old classic of an idea is the "casual Friday" or "Hawaiian shirt day" that many companies announce on calendars to help employees feel as if their life has some meaning. Unfortunately, these "theme" days went out with the dot com bubble bursts of the late nineties. In their stead, a few companies have tried radical new dress code theme days such as Dress as the Opposite Sex Day, Wear Your Child to Work Day, or Dress as the Job You Wish You Had Day. "These theme days became very popular very fast," Manager of Human Resources for Banana Computers® Paula Middleton says. "And I just love seeing people dress as firefighters or astronauts, as if they could ever achieve a job like that." Experts say that although theme dress days do boost morale, having too many clumped together can lead to identity confusion among employees. Furthermore, many employees can take relaxed dress codes too liberally, resulting in widespread public exposure. Nobody wants that.

So, if you find yourself and your coworkers a bit fed up with your work environment, try instituting one of the above ideas. Be sure to interface with upper management before demolishing cubicles, cross-dressing to work, or making junkies out of fellow workers by spiking the water cooler. Good luck initiating any changes, now get back to work.

-Chris Clark