WITNESS WITH FLAMING SKIRT RECEIVES PERJURY CHARGE

SEATTLE, WA - Local cashier Hannah Jorgensen was charged with perjury this week when Seattle judge Gary Langen realized her skirt was on fire. Jorgensen, 32, witnessed the armed robbery of the King Soopers at which she works and testified on the stand. Defense attorney Mark Lutes was first to notice the blaze. "[Jorgensen] fingered my client in court," Lutes said, "but I immediately noticed some smoke rising from the witness stand. I asked Ms. Jorgensen to stand up and sure enough, her skirt was on fire." Although all perjury charges on the basis of flaming apparel have been cases of pants on fire, a skirt is no different according to Judge Langen. "I don't care if you're wearing a tutu, they're all pants to me. Her pants were on fire, she's a liar." Jorgensen was detained and further action will be taken later this week.

RASH OF DONE-TO-DEATH CRANK CALLS ANNOYS RESIDENTS

URBANDALE, IA - A wave of crank calls swept through the Des Moines suburbs early this week causing widespread anger and annoyance. The crank calls were characterized by using time tested one-liner jokes accompanied with excessive muffled snickering. "I picked up the phone on Tuesday night," Urbandale resident Ben Wartner said, "only to hear 'Is you refrigerator running?' I mean come on, how old is that joke?" Urbandale police had little to say on the matter. "It's just some kids having fun," patrolman Jim Haddock explained, "even if their pranks have been done thousands of times." A few Urbandale denizens considered taking action against the callers, but most simply chose to groan audibly and semi-violently hang up.

CAR SALESMAN ACCEPTS I.O.U. FOR DOWN PAYMENT

SEAFORD, DE - On Monday this week car salesman Ted Sanopolous of Morgan McClure Chevrolet accepted an I.O.U. for a down payment on a 1997 Cavalier. "The guy had an honest face," Sanopolous said, "so I thought he'd be good for it." The unidentified individual left the dealership in the Cavalier having paid with only his I.O.U. hastily written on a napkin found near the coffee machine. "Ted is a good salesman, don't get me wrong," manager Hank Lutzim remarked, "and as long as this guy pays Ted back, I guess it's okay." The man promised to return with money for payment later Monday evening, and now three days later has failed to arrive. "I'm not worried," Sanopolous added, "I'm sure the guy will come back. I mean, he owes me like seven thousand bucks, so he has to. Otherwise I'll never trust him again."

STUDENT LEARNS WESTERN CIVILIZATION CLASS NOT CENTERED ON OLD WEST

PROVO, UT - Paul Hartfield, 20, was disappointed this week to discover that Western Civilization C102-005 does not focus on the civilization of the old west. "I just really like westerns and stuff," BYU student Hartfield remarked, "like John Wayne. That guy rocked. I thought a class about that would be cool." Much to Hartfield's dismay, the actual course involves study of all civilization in the western hemisphere, only briefly touching on the American west in chapter seven. "It's just disappointing. I wish they'd be more clear when we sign up for these things," Hartfield added. A grievance with the school board was attempted when Paul began a makeshift petition, but folded when he received a mere three signatures out of the entire student body.

STUDENT EXPELLED FOR POSSESSION OF MICROSCOPIC WEAPON

HICKSVILLE, NY - Danny Pavlich, 10, a fourth grade student at Hicksville Elementary, was expelled earlier this week when he was found bringing a knife to school. "In the Hicksville school system we have a no-tolerance policy for any and all weaponry," Hicksville Elementary School Principal Pete Williams said, "and Danny's knife is unmistakably a weapon." The knife Pavlich brought to class for 'Show and Tell,' a classroom exercise involving the display of personal belongings, was a half inch plastic blade from a GI Joe® doll. "I notified the principal immediately," fourth grade teacher Victoria Watson explained, "and kept the class calm by reading to them from my Glamour® magazine. I was really afraid that Danny would attack or something." According to the local school board, Pavlich has been expelled from attending any public school in the Hicksville area and must continue his elementary education elsewhere.