LAID BACK CLASSES ONLY A SHORT TERM SUCCESS AT UNIVERSITY

PHOENIX, AZ - Arizona State University broadened its learning field with the addition of "laid back" classes last January for a trial period of one year. Such classes ranged from Basic Procrastination to Applications of Lethargic Technologies to even Introduction to Apathy. The classes were well received among students. "I was happy to see that I could finally take classes in what I truly enjoy," said ASU sophomore Derek Nipton. For the first year, classes in the Idle Arts had high enrollment and looked promising, but attendance and effort of the students involved has since dropped off sharply. "It's a simple fact that Idle Arts majors are too lazy to finish their core requirements," Dean of Admissions Greg Olivers said. "Only those truly devoted to laziness fail the courses anyway." ASU will reexamine the Idle Arts curriculum structure and possible re-implement the major in three years.

NEW THEORY ON PYRAMID ORIGINS PANDERS TO ENVIRONMENTALISTS

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Archeologists and Anthropologists focussing on the mysterious pyramids of Giza at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have devised a new origin theory that is being met with much backlash. Teaming up with the departments of Agriculture and Earth Sciences, this new theory suggests that the once though to be man-made monuments are actually natural growths in the Giza environment. "There simply isn't any evidence stating these things were built rather than grown," Botanical Researcher Marion Hartmond said, "and as life forms they deserve our respect." Much controversy surrounds this idea since the idea of the man-made pyramid is so deeply ingrained in modern thinking. "It's a simple question of age," Dr. Hans Olgen of archeology said, "and to determine age we need only to slice the things open and count the rings, or squares, rather." A grant of $14.3 million has already been awarded to the research teams and a circular saw of necessary size is in the experimental stage.

ACTORS BADLY IMPERSONATED

LAKE FOREST, CA - At a get-together late last week, dental hygienist Mark Lopeman, 43, performed a terrible impression of several actors. The party was a celebration of a promotion for spouse, Patty Lopeman, 47. Impersonations began when a friend of Lopeman's commented on the quality of the Austin Powers movies that have seen popularity over the past few years. "Mark's a great guy," friend Darren Burtons commented, "but when he started with his 'oh behave!' I just wanted to leave." Impressions didn't end there, party go-ers said. Continuing with dated takes on characters such as Ace Ventura, Pet Detective and Tommy Boy, the quality of the Lopeman gathering quickly declined. "I think it was a great party, all in all," Lopeman later said, "but some of those guys are pretty annoying. I mean, since when is a Carson impression funny?"

INSIDE JOKE COMEDY HOUR FAILS IN NETWORK LATE-NIGHT SLOT

NEW YORK, NY - After a short run of six episodes, ABC's evening mid season comedy hour On The Inside was canceled early this week. The show featured sketch comedy and spoken word, all poking fun at the show's staff and the upper management of ABC. "It was a great concept," cast member Rich Alvarez commented, "and that impression of Linda in wardrobe was hilarious. I guess audiences just didn't click." Word among cast and crew for On The Inside was all positive. Opinions ranged from "pretty good" to "the funniest thing on TV." ABC executives shared such opinions, but still felt the comedy was doomed to fail. "The way they lampooned Mark in accounting was great, and if you know that guy you know he's really that bad at poker," Marketing Associate James Linker said. "Unfortunately, test audiences just didn't get any of the jokes. I guess you just had to be there."

CHEMISTRY SAFETY VIDEO LAME

FT. LEWIS, FL - Students of Ft. Lewis High School's Chemistry 101 class are annoyed and disappointed with the quality of an instructional video shown recently. The video in question depicts basic lab safety, from the use of goggles and gloves to proper equipment usage. "The guy in the video sucked," sophomore Julie Gaulin said. "He tried to show how scary it is when things go wrong, but it was just cheesy. Also, that music wasn't even cool in the sixties, let alone now." School administration has recently focussed some attention on the video but has made no plans for updating material. "I've been using the same video for decades," chemistry teacher Frank Prichard, 51, said. "Sure, the guy in it is probably dead by now and the opening graphics are stupid drawings of atoms flying around to synthesizer music, but in my time teaching here we've only had seven major accidents in the lab, and I stand by that number."