Dangerous
Narcoptics
By Chris Clark |
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Dude... my hands are HUGE...
 Sound
familiar? Perhaps you've caught yourself uttering that phrase, only to
proceed to laugh uncontrollably and retire to the kitchen for some frozen
pizza. Phrases and actions such as these are common traits of your average
drug user. High, hepped up, baked, floating, dazed, dandy, sequestered,
they all mean the same thing.
There's a darker side to hallucinogens that's only now beginning to become
popular in the world of narcotic usage. Narcoptics.
 Narcoptics
are dangerous substances, usually in the form of inedible objects such
as magnifying glasses, telescopes, mirrors, and even
spectacles. Yes, common household prescription glasses can be made into
this horrific drug. Narcoptics are commonly known on the "street"
by any of the following names:
- Benders
- Tweakers
- Jellyfish
- Lenses
- Googlies
- Laboratory Equipment
 So
what exactly does a narcoptic do and how does it work? To put it so simply
that a very, very stupid child could understand it, narcoptics
change light as it enters your eye. That light could be bent, sent in
a spiral, changed in its color, the list goes on. Now it's a well documented
fact that light entering the eye proceeds to the brain immediately, often
at the speed of light. Yes, this drug is so dangerous it hit's your brain
at the speed of light.
Consider the following
multicolored illustrations of how the human head takes in light, and what
ti does with it.
#1
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The
Path of Unaltered Light to the Brain
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This diagram plainly
and forwardly illustrates how light enters the brain. Basically, the
light enters the eye chamber and shoots over the pool of the green
slooshy liquid (known medically as slooshilase,
it's a powerful enzyme) into the projector. As we can see,
the projector is plugged in and running at full capacity, projecting
the light onto the green screens
within the empty cavity of this man's head. Apparently the green screens
are where the light is supposed to go, I'm guessing.
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#2
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The
Path of Altered Light - Alpha Waves
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Using narcoptic
devices, one could change light as it approaches his eye from normal
light to alpha waves of light. Note how now the actual beam of light
makes a nifty sine wave. For some reason that has yet to be uncovered
by research, the shifting of the light on such a regular interval
causes the projector to cast it downward, into the blue
screens within the brain. Light projected within this
area is made to look larger or smaller, completely ignoring actual
sizes.
 Anyone
who has ever operated a real projector knows that this is hard on
the reels and bad for the lens. Prolonged exposure to Alpha Wave
light can result in that weird effect when the film is burned by
camera and it opens up a little hole. Seeing this in your eyes is
"really cool" according to junkies, but supposedly afterwards
all one can see is into other dimensions or through time.
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#3
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The
Path of Altered Light - Beta Waves
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Our light has
been altered differently this time around. Now it goes from fat
to thin while maintaining the same general straight line of motion.
Upon entering the eye it spreads out, dipping slightly into the
slooshy liquid. Slooshy liquid
is slightly acidic and highly toxic (if you ever happen to swallow
some or get some in your eye, contact a physician immediately) and
will contaminate all light entering the brain.
This contamination
results in an upward projection toward the red
screens. Light viewed on the red
screens is interpreted as backwards, upside down, inside
out, counterclockwise, and/or in French.
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#4
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The
Path of Altered Light - Gamma Waves
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Finally we come
to Gamma waves. For the record, we are not referring to gamma rays.
The two, while both light and both labeled with the same Greek letter,
are independent of one another. It's all a part of the elaborate
attempt to make all of science incomprehensible to feeble minded
simpletons. Back on the subject, Gamma waves are spread enough so
when they enter the eye they are immediately cast down into the
slooshy liquid. The light is
immediately dissolved in a spectacular reaction, causing the eye
to tumble around and the power cord for the projector to
come unplugged.
 Plugging
back in the device can be done with an expensive operation, but
the recovery is usually six to eight weeks and blindness is the
primary symptom. The absence of light within the head usually leads
to the breeding of mutant spiders and mole creatures with underdeveloped
eyes that tend to bore into the sinuses and create intricate systems
of tunnels.
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Now that you know how
narcoptics work and exactly how to get your hands on them and begin using
them immediately, don't do it.
-Chris Clark
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