Idle Organs By Chris Clark

When you get hungry, do you sometimes feel a "rumbling" in your midsection? It's commonly thought that these are hungry demons within you jumping around because of the space that a lack of food has provided them. With modern science, we now know that this rumbling originates from the tummy, one of the many vital organs in the human body.

Fascinating, yes. But what's even more fascinating is the fact that our bodies contain somewhere between seven and three thousand individual organs. Even more fascinating than that, some of these organs are useless. Yes, the tummy provides adequate space for the food demons to play, but other organs simply take up space.

Efficiency experts warn that such idle organs are a leading cause of inactivity in other organs through peer pressure. Biologists recommend removal of any and all useless organs as soon as possible, as their growth consumes vital nutrients better used to feed other parts of the body, such as the food demons. Consider the following guide to get to know your useless organs:

· The Appendix ·

By and large, the appendix is the most well known useless, or vestigial organ. Pictured here, the appendix actually has quite a bit of work to do. This work involves breaking down enzymes for use in the food demon tract. However, most appendices are heavily involved in the Beatnik movement that picked up steam in the early sixties. Using hollowed out wisdom teeth for bongos and constantly puffing away on a Pall Mall, the appendix dangles worthlessly on the end of the large intestine spouting bad poetry as if getting paid for it. Don't be fooled, those dark sunglasses may look cool, but this is an extremely pointless and pathetic organ.

· The Thyroid Gland ·

Shown here is the quasi-lovable thyroid gland. His odd shape is reminiscent of a lump of Silly-Putty that was run over by a bike tire. The thyroid attempts to work diligently to assist the immune system in purging the body of malevolent foreign particulates, but he just wasn't cut out for that sort of work. The thyroid has a heap of allergies that rival any scrawny kid from school who knows how to program the computers. The typical thyroid is always running a dangerously high fever and sneezing on other organs without covering his mouth (what with the lack of any sort of limb like protrusion with which covering might be possible). Leaving this guy in the body will just result in high Kleenex bills, so it is advised that he be removed.

· The Gorpule ·

To this day, no facet of the biological lexicon has any clue as to what the hell this thing is. It is by far the most purple organ in the body, implying that it... does... purple stuff, I guess. It's not even really connected to any other parts of the body, and yet somehow functions. Oddly, this basketball-sized organ tends to spring up in random places within the viscera at birth. On occasion, gorpules have been found nestled between brain hemispheres or completely outside the body connected via a small tether running in through the nostrils. The fatality rate for patients who've had this perplexing organ removed is only around 43%, so odds are in favor of survival!

· The Liver ·

Talk about a worthless organ. The ironically titled "liver" is a long brown lump that occupies a large amount of space in the center of your abdomen. Now, 92% of all livers are narcoleptic, so they're usually found asleep at the switch like this one. This organ certainly has a great deal of work to do in terms of scrubbing the blood clean, but most of those responsibilities are shouldered off onto the small, bitter gall bladder nearby (shown here, the cute angry green thing). Due to the gall bladder's ability to handle the liver's job with limited stress, a good alternative to the lazy liver is to install a simple tap water filter such as Pür or Brita.

 

The four organs listed here may not only be annoying/sickly/useless/lazy, they could be toxic to your system. I you've sustained a level of paranoia from reading this to where you want these malevolent masses out of your body right away, consult a physician before you remove them with a steak knife. For you do-it-yourselfers, be sure to leave vital organs, such as the heart or food demons, untouched. Unintentional damage to them may result in mild discomfort and/or death.

Good health to you!

-Chris Clark