Original Source of Violence Discovered! By Jason Cross

Researchers have shocked the scientific community with the recent announcement that the original source of all violent behaviour has been discovered. According to historian and author Dr. Leonard Treadley, the popular jazz-era comic 'Felix The Cat', featuring a lovable kitten getting into all sorts of playful mischief, is in fact responsible for all recorded violent acts throughout the history of mankind.

Dr. Treadley explains: "Not many people are aware of this, but the very first violent comic strip, published on August 29 of 1923, presented a very clear message to children - first, that violence is a cure for all ills, and second, that dynamite is sold in travelling wagons. These ideas are blatantly false and frighteningly disturbing, respectively, though not in that order."

The Syndicate has obtained a copy of the now-controversial comic strip, the first Felix The Cat comic to be published in a Sunday newspaper. Please be warned, the contents may be disturbing.

Dr. Treadley, through the use of several brightly-coloured and well-drawn charts, as well as exaggerated hand gestures, explains that the level of violence worldwide literally doubled on the day following August 29, 1923, a day he refers to as "August 30, 1923". He claims, in fact, that several banks were robbed on the 30th by criminals donning Felix The Cat masks and black wetsuits, armed with exaggeratedly large bundles of dynamite.

Dr. Treadley's theories have come under some criticism by fellow historian Dr. Thomas Rickman, who claims that they are both "absolute nonsense" and "complete and total nonsense". "That stuff is nonsense," explains Dr. Rickman, "Violence existed a very long time before Felix The Cat graced the pages of that newspaper, even as much as several weeks before the original publish date. There is no indication that any extra violence, beyond the normal two or three hundred murders per day, occurred as a direct response to the release of this comic. Any information to the contrary is false, and absolute nonsense. Treadley is speaking pure nonsense." Rickman continued: "Nonsense!"

Several voices from the community have spoken their opinions on what is now being called The Felix Factor. Helen Brackham from Detroit, Michigan, supports the theory: "My little brat of a kid Billy broke a lamp the other day playing baseball in the house while I was watching my stories. I would have got up to whip his <expletive deleted>, but Tina was telling Enrique that she was having his baby. If it weren't for that damn cat, I wouldn't have to pay any attention to that irritating <expletive deleted> at all. Thanks a lot, Felix The Cat. Or should I say Felix The <expletive deleted>!"

Others are not so supportive of Dr. Treadley's proposition: Roger Matthews of Orlando offered the following analysis: "Didn't cavemen hit each other over the head with clubs and stuff? I think I saw a cartoon about that. That was before 1920-whatever, right?"

Senator Joseph Lieberman released the following statement to the press immediately following the announcement: "It is clear from these findings that our suggestible, vapid children are being brainwashed by all printed, visual, and auditory media. If we do not take action now, we will be faced with a generation of ultra-violent, super-powered atomic mutants whose single-minded cause is to exterminate us, the last remaining humans, using the unimaginably violent techniques they have learned from the likes of Felix The Cat and Ziggy. I cannot allow this to happen. Therefore, I have proposed to our administration the immediate and total elimination of all media outlets, including but not limited to television, radio, and newspapers. We must usher in a new era of silenced, uninformed utopia!"

Mr. Cat was unavailable for comment.

-Jason Cross