Portion Frenzy By Chris Clark

These days there's at least one restaurant for every theme or time period imaginable. Eating out is simply a way of life for some people. But how do you know if you show up at some trendy new spot that the hamburger you ordered will be as big as the one you ordered at Stuckey's last week?

The short answer is: you don't. It's getting harder and harder to tell where you can get a decent sized meal nowadays. Studies have shown that over the past three decades minuscule food size is directly proportional to cost and popularity. In layman's terms, at Chez D'artiste Mone Fi (a French-sounding phrase with no discernible meaning), a modern delicacy known as the fetus carrot who's width can be measured only in microns comes with the price tag of $149.95. Amazingly, this is quite a value compared to other, "trendier" restaurants.

Of course, when trying to get an accurate view of helping sizes in today's food industry, looking simply at bistros that calculate the value of gold and diamonds on patrons before granting admission will add a lot of bias. This in mind, we examined the other end of the spectrum: the great American Steakhouse. Known for portions that can best be described as "ridiculous," we knew we'd find something to tip the scales.

Our most impressive find was The Duke, a massive T-bone steak served exclusively at Grizzly Pete's Gawl Durn' Steakhouse Y'all, located where else but deep in the heart of Texas. Pictured here, The Duke weighs in at a whopping quarter ton, takes 3.5 days to cook thoroughly, and has only been finished by one man in the history of the mighty steak's existence. That man was none other than famed Fed Chief Alan Greenspan. One more interesting fact about this massive helping of beef: cows must be genetically engineered from conception to grow to the colossal size of twenty seven feet in length in order to produce such a massive T-bone. This has lead to a great deal of protest by vegetarians, anti-genetic engineering activists, and minimalists.

Our survey of portion craziness didn't stop at the night spots though. Visiting a local movie theater on the way home to catch the new Carrot Top flick we were astonished to find that available drink sizes have grown to dwarf the time tested 20 oz. can. Pictured here is the Gimongous Gulp, a drink so freakishly huge that an existing adjective wouldn't stack up and a new one had to be manufactured (by hybridizing giant and humongous). This drink size will pretty much guarantee one's bladder won't make it even close to the end credits, and a special deal is offered to include a medium popcorn and bedpan for only 55¢ more.

So what exactly is the modern trend? Is it more popular to serve up more or less food? We never found a straight forward answer, but entire countries are starting to take sides. For instance, Australia has just launched a campaign to erect the world's largest Tootsie Pop. Shown in this diagram here, the buoyant candy treat would partially rest on the continent and partially float in the surrounding ocean. Our sources also tell us that Russia is using nanotechnology to engineer the world's smallest candy cane, which in theory will be only seven angstroms in diameter.

So the next time you step out for a bite to eat consider how your dinner destination dishes out its meals, and plan either the contents of your wallet or the cargo space in your car accordingly.

-Chris Clark