Spoke, Neo vs. Jackie Chan, and Helicopter Collision Physics By Jason Cross

Many countries around the world have been faced with a terrible problem in past years: this dilemma has sparked conflicts worldwide and lead to the death and destruction of many innocent people and businesses. That's right, it's the conflict between Coke and Sprite for possession of the presitigious "Hey, this soda's not so bad" title. For decades, the conflict between "Sprities" and "Cokers" has caused multiple wars and skirmishes in major countries such as Guatemalia and Zambabania. Innocent companies such as Diet Rite and Fanta are subject to mindless violence against their employees and products. The only solution to this terrible problem is a simple hybrid of the two rival companies:"SPOKE". In the tradition of ingenious hybrids such as Esperanto, Spoke combines the best qualities of both Coke and Sprite to create a product for everyone. Imagine a drink that tastes like both cacao beans and lemons, is a lovely green-brown cloudy color, and has twice the carbonation of any conventional soda! This sort of American dream is what has powered support for Spoke. Please pledge your support by mailing $750 to the Spoke Corporation, 3657 Palm St., Apt. 322. Your donation is greatly appreciated. I know Neo would do it.

Speaking of Neo (from the Matrix, for those culturally impaired) I know that he can beat the living hell out of all of those Agents - but how would he measure up against Jackie Chan? Of course, Jackie is no elite-killer-robot, like all the Agents are, but hey - HE CAN COMPLETELY DISASSEMBLE GUNS WITH ONE HAND!!! I mean, come on! If Neo ever got his hands on a handgun, Jackie Chan could just jump over, do a flip or something, grab it and it would fall apart like magic. Then again, Neo can do that whole "Master of the Matrix" thing where he stops bullets and moves walls with his mind... But Jackie Chan can beat up two FBI Agents with a steering wheel! A STEERING WHEEL! And they both had guns! Now that's talent. What could Neo do with a steering wheel? He'd probably just stare at it and watch the Matrix code stuff fly everywhere, while Jackie jumped behind him and hit him 300 times in a second or something like that. They think Neo's fast, being able to dodge bullets and do that blurry effect thing with his arms - but that's all special effects! He's probably actually slower than Rush Limbaugh or Barney would be - and that's SLOW.

Now, don't get me wrong - Neo's still pretty awesome. That part where he sent the helicopter crashing into the building - that was cool. And the windows bulged out before they blew up: funky. I wish they did that in real life... not that I've ever had the opportunity to see a helicopter smash through a twentieth-story office... but if I ever did, I'm pretty sure that it would just explode. Helicopters have a tendency to do that when they smash into objects, especially hard things like concrete or metal. If a helicopter collided with a twenty-story block of Styrofoam, not a whole lot would happen (except for maybe millions of tiny bits of Styrofoam being rained down on the city street below, and a 3-ton block of foam being knocked down onto a nearby building). The point is, the helicopter would be perfectly fine and the pilot would probably get a good laugh when he saw all the people trying to scramble out of the way.

The moral of the story is, of course, that Jackie Chan can kick anyone's face in, INCLUDING Neo's, and if you ever doubt it, you will be crushed by a twenty-story Styrofoam block.

Words to live by.