T-Shirt Prompts Bush's Resignation By Jason Cross

The political world was shocked today when George W. Bush, the 43rd President of the United States, announced his formal resignation from the office of Commander In Chief, effective at noon tomorrow. According to statements made by White House press secretary Ari Fleischer, a "very disturbing" T-shirt was brought to the attention of the President during an anti-war rally in Philadelphia yesterday, which prompted Mr. Bush to re-evaluate his candidacy to hold the office.

Above: The revolutionary T-shirt.

The T-shirt, pictured here, was emblazoned with the phrase "Bush Sucks" ironed on in all-capitals. Manufactured at home by local Philadelphia anti-war activist Cheech Mandela, the shirt boasts 100% cotton fabric, which is soft to the touch, sports good absorbency and high comfort, and requires no special care. However, warns Mr. Mandela, it may wrinkle or attract mildew if improperly stored, and has low thermal retention when compared to heavier fabrics.

When asked what prompted him to design the shirt, Mr. Mandela replied: "I wanted to somehow get the message out there that Bush sucks, and then one day I had this idea: why not make a T-shirt that says 'Bush Sucks!!!', right on the front? Unfortunately, I didn't have an exclamation point stencil, but the effect is pretty much the same. It seems to be working great so far, people are really getting the message, especially the President himself. It's about time somebody did something about the situation, instead of just sitting idly by."

Above: Cheech Mandela, now a political icon and household name.

As it turns out, Cheech Mandela has become somewhat of a celebrity in Philadelphia, now credited with essentially dissolving the Bush presidency. "I admire Cheech so much," one fan gushed, "He had the courage to go out there and get a T-shirt printed instead of just spouting meaningless talk. He's a true hero. What? He used iron-on stencils? Well, same thing."

Mr. Mandela is currently bidding for domain names such as www.cheechmandela.com, www.bushsucks-tshirt.com, and www.irononfreedom.com, however his efforts have been thus far unsuccessful, thanks in part to a complete lack of funding.

"These T-shirts don't pay for themselves, you know," Mandela was quoted as saying during the infamous rally, "I had to buy all this stuff myself." He hopes to establish volunteer centers to further his cause in the near future, through which supporters can donate money, snacks, or other valuable resources to Mandela's organization.

Once presented with the T-shirt, Bush said he was "left with no option but to respond to the American people." At a somber press release this morning, surrounded by members of his cabinet, family, and friends, Mr. Bush made the following statements:

"A message of such undeniable wit and accuracy cannot be ignored. I have reflected on the subject and have come to the conclusion that I do, indeed, suck: The great nation that is the United States must be represented by a leader who neither sucks nor blows, and though it is abhorrent to every instinct in my body, I must admit that I am no such man. Therefore, I shall resign the Presidency effective at noon tomorrow. Vice President Cheney will be sworn in as President at that hour in this office."

Above: President Bush addresses the nation for the final time.

Mr. Bush then paused, a noble tear glistening in his eye, drawing out the silence. "And my sincerest thanks to you, Mr. Cheech Mandela, for opening my eyes. Truly, you are an American Hero." As Mr. Bush stepped down from the podium, he was met with an extended standing ovation, bringing him again to tears. As the day wore on, Mr. Bush made his way gradually around the room, embracing friends and acquaintances alike, exchanging words of gratitude and reverence, shaking hands and sharing laughs with those whom he knew he would never see again.

Mr. Mandela plans to expand his "Bush Sucks" iron-on T-shirt line with three new designs: the "Cap Sleeve", the "Jersey T Junior", and the "Girly Spaghetti T", all of which should be available by February of 2005. "And watch out for my 'Cheney Sucks' line coming out next year,", he warns, "That ought to cause some trouble!"

-Jason Cross