Driving
Miss Racism
By Chris Clark |
 |
 Traffic
is a funny thing. Traffic lights, particularly, are perplexing inventions.
Garrett Morgan put together traffic lights back in the twenties with the
use of simple light bulbs and circuits, but today modern traffic signals
are immensely complex. Many use advanced computer hierarchy intelligence
models to decide who goes and who sits annoyed in their shoddy '93 Nissan
Sentra staring blankly into the empty intersection.
Yes, I
drive a Sentra but that makes little difference! Truth be told, many of
the newest traffic lights installed in large cities not only have a mind
of their own, but they have a prejudiced mind of their own. It's
a shocking fact that most motorists simply refuse to believe and little
action is being taken against. Consider the following accounts:
|
 Meredith
Penelle, 38
I was stopped
at the corner of Blake and 17th. I was headed south on Blake, and
needed to take a left. Now my car isn't perfect, and I know that,
but just because it was faded blue the traffic light just
ignored me. It was as if my car wasn't good enough for a green left
arrow. I ended up making a U-turn, and couldn't help but wonder
if the light was laughing at me as I went back the way I came.
 Roger
Kirkpatrick , 45
I was downtown
when it happened, on my way to a meeting. I got stopped going east
on 23rd avenue. No big deal, I thought. But then the light would
turn from red to yellow, instead of the standard green. I was confused,
so I didn't move. The light went back and forth between yellow and
red for what seemed like hours. This taunting really made me feel
belittled and powerless. I mean, what could I do? He was in charge,
and I was just another guy in an SUV.
|
 It's
not easy to accept these accounts, but then it happens to you. A traffic
signal glares down at your car, sneers at the model, the color, even the
type of tires it has, then refuses passage. The intersection can be a
very busy place, as shown in the diagram at right. With many cars going
many different directions, one car being overlooked may not be noticed
by other drivers. Don't let the bright colors fool you, traffic lights
will use colors against cars and discriminate the flow of traffic right
under your nose.
 So
what's being done to stop these racist signals? Shown here is the new
T Chip, a revolutionary microchip designed to change the way traffic
lights look at the world. The T Chip uses subliminal digital messages
disguised within mp3's of Michael Bolton songs to seed suggestive ideas
within the mind of a traffic light. Such ideas include:
- Tolerance
- Togetherness
- Happiness
- Benevolence
- Complacency
- Lethargy
The average traffic
light totals $5,200 in parts and labor for complete implementation. The
average T Chip costs a mere 45 cents to produce, but current technology
yields a process that lasts as much as three days and costs upwards of
$37,000 to implement.
 It
may sound like a lot, but personally, I think it's worth it to live in
a world where cars of all colors, makes, and models are welcomed with
open arms through any intersection in any direction. True, $37,000 is
a lot to ask of the taxpayers. I know that if I paid taxes, believe
me, I'd gladly give up a substantial chunk of my income. Thanks to the
T Chip, the hate and unfair treatment of cars can be slightly decreased
for only billions in taxpayer income.
Equality isn't free!
-Chris Clark
|
