The Army of the Nocturnal Egyptian Palm Tree Construction Workers By Chris Clark

Ladies and gentleman of the refined press-reading public, we have a startling announcement to make. It seems that recent studies have found that plants, trees mostly, are not as still and quiet as we were all raised to believe.

It's true. Footage has been recovered from the roving reports of the British Broadcasting Company (BBC) that palm trees are capable of pulling themselves out of the ground by the roots and moving around in the still of the night. Scientists say that the trees' roots become a manner of pseudo-pod (false foot) which the trees use for mobility. Palms all along the banks of the Nile River have been walking around at night.

Furthermore, these palms are masters of disguise. Example: one morning a man in Thimblebrush, Arkansas awoke to the sight of an exact replica of the Muhammed Ali Mosque in the woods behind his home. Pictured here, the Mosque is of striking resemblance to the real McCoy. Detectives followed a trail of root-prints from the local airport, to the building site, and back again to the airport. When stewardesses on the outgoing flights that night were questioned, they were heard to remark:

"No, I don't recall anything out of the ordinary. Well, come to think of it, there was a group of about four hundred men, about twenty feet tall, all wearing Hawaiian shirts with broad flat leaves for hair and dark brown, bark like skin. I thought they were just tourists that had no facial features."

So palm trees are pulling themselves out of the Nile river delta and replicating Egyptian monuments in the heartland of America. Sound too amazing to be true? Pictured here is one palm tree we questioned, on location in Cairo. He said nothing and only moved when a calm breeze blew. When we left, nothing of importance happened. Of course, we realized, palm trees were creatures of the night. That evening we returned for further questioning. Once again, there was no discernible response. As we were leaving however, our camera man was hit in the back of the head with a thrown coconut. Written on the surface of the rogue coconut in honey bee royal jelly was:

"If you expose the trees, the trees will find you..."

Coincidence? We think not.