The October Weather Fiasco - Plus - Is Hell Freezing Over? By Jason Cross

If there's any month's weather that I hate, it's October's. I get up in the morning, feel how ABSOLUTELY FRIGID it is, and put on something warm. Very warm. I get into my car, turn the heat on HIGH, and drive shivering to school (or work). At about lunch time, I venture back out into the world, prepared with my warm, insulated clothing - AND IT'S 80 DEGREES!!!! So I'm stuck with a sweatshirt and parka in summer weather. Okay, I think to myself, I'll just turn on the AC in the car. After a few seconds of hot air, the cool air conditioning finally kicks in and cools me off. I enjoy my lovely lunch at a sub-par fast food restaurant, and return to my job. On the way home, I proudly stride outside again, this time in a T-shirt I changed into, ready for the hot weather. And - you guessed it - IT'S 10 DEGREES AGAIN!!! The following graphs illustrate this concept:

-SCIENTIFIC ANALYSIS-
As you can see, the temperature on a normal day fluctuates only minimally over the course of 24 hours.

In October, the temperature fluctuates violently. Amazing.

What have we learned here today, kids? Well, not a whole hell of a lot. But those graphs look cool! Don't they? Look at that! The words are glowing! NIFTY!

In a related story, scientists have discovered through recent tests that Hell is gradually decreasing in temperature Notorious for its "Durn Hot Weather", Hell has been a popular retirement area for most inhabitants of New York, Los Angeles, the state of Texas, and especially Hollywood.

The prospect of a possible decrease in average temperature has frightened many frequent visitors: Bob Jenkins from Minneapolis, Minnesota expressed his concerns: "I was told that I could stay here for eternity. Sure, it's hot, but I call it home. What's gonna happen if it gets cold here? Where are we gonna go then? I sure as Hell don't wanna go back up to Minnesota. The weather's better here."

Geologist Arthur Wilson became concerned when he noticed an obvious decrease in Hell's average temperature over the past thousand years. "I was caclulating the approximate mass of my stapler (I came up with 256.4328 grams! By Jove!), when I noticed a nearby computer terminal displaying average temperature values (in intervals of 3.5 degrees Centrigrade) of various regions, including Hell. I glanced at the screen and instantly noticed a temperate anomaly in the previous 1000-year period. I immediately contacted my supervisor and notified him of the worrisome decrease in temperature. I then returned to my work, calculating the mass of my OTHER stapler. (I haven't completed this experiment yet, so I cannot provide any data.)"

The drop in climate could potentially affect all residents of Hell, forcing them to wear extra layers of rags when active in the Hell environment. Lord DeathMonger of the HellSpawn army commented on the change: "I don't think there's anything to worry about. Damned souls always have and can still rot in immortal agony for all eternity in Hell. According to Mr. Lucifer, we may even save some on air conditioning."

Mr. Lucifer was unavailable for comment.