The Untold Evil of the Teddy Bear By Jason Cross

As I sit here, listening to classical music, with my laptop on (where else) - my lap, I can think of only one thing, just like any normal person would: I am, of course, referring to the poor condition of teddy bears and other stuffed animals in the modern world. What's that you say? You thought teddy bears were in wonderful condition? Well, back off mister, because you're wrong! Stop spouting your falsifications and Communist propaganda! Lies! All of it, vicious lies!

Excuse me... (ahem)

As I was originally saying, I have been saddened at the sub-par craftsmanship of all stuffed creatures, teddy bears in particular, in past years. Take, for example, Alexander, my 5-inch tall stuffed tiger. Now, what's wrong with Alexander? First of all, he's 5 inches tall! What does that tell you? Perhaps he has a growth disorder or he was shrunk by one of those rays that Rick Moranis keeps in his basement. Perhaps, but the reality is that the company made Alexander 5 inches tall knowing full well that normal, live tigers are infact taller by quite a bit!

Preposterous, you say! Blasphemy! Well, right you are, good sir, but that's not all! Oh, no! Alexander's inaccuracies don't stop there. He also possesses a pair of (literally) beady black eyes, very dissimilar from the more organic variety often found in the sockets of normal felines. His paws are also terribly misshapen: Any ability he may have had in the past to grasp and/or claw at prey has been stripped from him with the loss of his claws and grasping fingers! In the place of his once-formidable fangs is a cute, pink fabric tongue! His tail is abnormally large and swings in long, wide arcs, completely uncharacteristic of the typical tiger! Oh, the suffering!

What I am trying to say, dear friends, is that this foul and indiscriminate behavior (or "behaviour", for our British readers) is tearing this nation apart at the seams! (Ooh, nifty metaphor! Do you get it? Seams? As in sewing seams, often used in the construction of teddy bears.... oh, nevermind.)

Can anyone even remember what a real bear looks like? They don't have cute, cuddly paws or adorable, beady eyes, let me tell you that! They are hulking masses of pure murderous rage, bent on tearing you limb from limb with their blazing claws and bloody fangs of death!!! Our poor world has been hidden from this terrible truth for long enough! Behold! The true bear, a manifestation of terror and evil!

You must all help me in the fight against this ultimate, all-consuming evil! Strike out at your local retailer! Stride up to the counter, gleaming with pride and confidence, and say:

"I do not wish to buy a stuffed toy!"

The clerk will likely be so astonished that he will collapse in despair, mourning the imminent downfall of the evil empire that is the stuffed animal market!

And so I beseech you, dear readers, join me in my quest against darkness! DO NOT BUY ANY STUFFED TOYS! Unless they happen to be really, really cute, like Alexander is. Then it's okay. But don't buy the ugly little ones! Well, okay, you can buy them too, just so they don't get lonely or feel bad or anything. But at least make sure to scowl at the clerk when you check out or something! You can make the difference!

Time for sleep now. Goodnight!