Mysterious Suckers By Chris Clark

How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll Center of a Tootsie Pop?

That's a good question. Since the invention of the Tootsie Pop, the world has wanted to know the precise mathematical calculation of the number of licks required. Unfortunately, all experiments to discover this quantity have met disaster with one consistent problem:

Biting.

Yes, nobody so far in human history has had the patience required to make it all the way to the center without biting. In 1983, German scientists created a "licking machine," thought capable of an infinite number of licks one after the other. Unfortunately, the licking machine failed and lost all funding in its trial run when the prototype broke down after twelve thousand licks.

So to whom can we turn for an inside look at the surprising resiliency of a Tootsie Pop? We at the syndicate decided to retrace the steps of commercial history and ask Mr. Turtle and Mr. Owl about their thoughts on the matter.

	Me, Chris Clark, asking the questions
	Mr. Turtle, our first Tootsie Pop informative
	Mr. Owl, our second Tootsie Pop informative

First Informative, Mr. Turtle

Mr. Turtle, pictured here with his grandson Yertle (no relation to the Dr. Suess character) was born in the early nineteen hundreds and has a Ph.D. in Candyology from The University of Tennessee. Mr. Turtle, or Chester as he is known to friends and loved ones, was named after the 21st president of the United States, Chester A. Arthur. Mr. Turtle was consulted on the subject of lick quantities in the fifties well before the debate went world wide on television. After twenty years working on the situation, Mr. Turtle retired to Greendale, Florida with his beautiful wife Helen. It was there that we caught up with him for our interview.

	Mr. Turtle, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll Center of a Tootsie Pop?
	I never made it without biting... Ask Mr. Owl.
	Well, regardless of whether or not you ever succeeded, can you give us an idea of how close you came?
	...
	Mr. Turtle?
	...
	Um, Mr. Turtle?
	...
	Mr. Turtle!!!
	Heh? What? Eh... What are you still doing here? You were supposed to leave for Mr. Owl by now.
	I had some more questions to ask you. If you don't mind, I—
	No, no... This isn't right at all! You talk to Mr. Owl, and after three licks he bites the Tootsie Pop. Then, the voice comes in and asks the question again, but—
	Excuse me, Mr. Turtle... I'm familiar with the classic commercial that sparked this debate. I'd rather not hear your lines from it, but rather hear what you, as a turtle, think about the resiliency of Tootsie Pops. You do have a great deal of experience with those suckers.
	Um... I never made it without biting... Ask Mr.—
	Okay! Fine. I'll go ask the stupid owl.

Second Informative, Mr. Owl

Mr. Owl, pictured here perched on his summer branch in Providence, Rhode Island, was also closely involved in the riddle of the Tootsie Pop. He arrived on the investigative team in the early sixties, a grad student fresh out Cal Tech at the time. Mr. Owl's area of expertise was studies of the tongue with a minor in foods on sticks. Teamed with his lack of teeth (making it impossible to bite), Mr. Owl proved himself invaluable to the team. Though a solution was never found then, his work in lickology advanced the science to years ahead of its time.

	Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll Center of a Tootsie Pop?
	Let's find out!
	Um... Okay... I can go get a Tootsie Pop if you're determined to try it now.
	What what? You don't have a Tootsie Pop?! Read your script boy!! How am I supposed to begin licking without a Tootsie Pop?!?!
	What? Oh, you're not going off of the dumb commercial are you?
	I must improvise! I'll just use your hand...
	Hey, let go of—
	A one...
	Hey, wait a sec—
	A Two-hoo...!
	Let go %$?@ it!!! If you bite—
	Thrrree... *CRUNCH*
	OW!!!
	Thrrree.
	My finger!! You stupid owl! I need a Band-Aid...
	Now then, off you go. The strange voice should be around shortly to ask the question again and proclaim that world may—
	Oh shut up! This was a mistake. I should have known you stupid cartoon characters wouldn't be able to deviate from your decades old lines.
	Cartoon character? Character?!?! I'll have you know that I am an owl, not some orange vegetable!!
	I guess they never drew a brain in your head. You know, just having glasses doesn't make you smart.

Well, reopening the study after so many years with the same participants as before may have not been a great idea after all. We did discover that despite the supposed "education" of these cartoon characters, they probably didn't help all that much in determining the number of licks required. That number still remains a complete mystery, unfortunately. Now for the cliché, predictable ending:

So how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

The world may never know.

-Chris Clark