After stealing things and refusing to help people, you may find yourself with a heart of ice. This heart is very cold and can cause damage to your circulatory system.

If you are concerned that you might have a heart of ice, contact your local health care provider and point a running hair dryer at your chest immediately. If you begin to feel woozy, check your pulse. Should you have a very weak and slow pulse, your heart is most likely pure ice (as opposed to frozen standard issue). Contain yourself within an appropriately sized refrigerator until re-freezing is complete, then contact your local travel agent to relocate to a more frigid climate.

A heart of gold is one of the more sought after hearts known. Those who would like a golden heart can obtain one the long and difficult way of a life of service and charity, or you can send $9.95 plus shipping and handling to:

Golden Heart
1275 Madeupaddress Pl.
Nowheresville, OK 90210

DISCLAIMER: This price is only an initial down payment for the "Jacqueline Plebe Golden Heart Catalogue" provided by department store "Plebe's." Actual Golden Hearts cannot be bought with money alone but require the detachment of one arm and one leg from heart recipient.

Blondie sang a great song about hearts of glass in the seventies. The main draw of having a heart of glass is they are "see-through," though disgruntled owners of such hearts claim that x-ray scans can see them just fine.

We wanted a medical professional's comment on this matter, but nobody at the American Medical Association (AMA) would return our phone calls. Thus, it remains a complete mystery.

In the early nineties, a man with incredibly hairy eyebrows invented a machine called the "Juice Monkey" that could process fruits and vegetables into creamy, drinkable juices. Only four years after this invention hit the shelves a German Scientist managed to build a fully functional human heart using only vegetables from his garden, liquefied by the Juice Monkey.

This heart helps lower cholesterol and improve agility and stamina. Strangely, 24% of the owners of this heart who have died perished at the merciless fangs of rabbits and goats.

There is, however, no empirical evidence that a heart made of vegetables is to blame for this inflated ratio.

For those who've hit rock bottom and find themselves pawning all of their possessions, this heart is for you.

Of course, nobody can live without a heart of some kind. This heart is mass produced and can be found in any drug store. It satisfactorily maintains circulation 47% of the time while functioning properly during calisthenics and aerobics 19% of the time.

With a little red spray paint, glitter, and Elmer's Glue, this heart can look just like your old one for a fraction of the cost of any custom heart.

Dr. Suess enthusiasts the world over can now get their hands on a heart designed with the Grinch in mind. This heart is built as the standard issue heart (with a touch of vegetable matter for consistency) but is intentionally built two sizes too small.

WARNING: Use of this heart may result in decrease or total removal of holiday cheer and spirit, coupled with the inexplicable disliking for the inhabitants of "Whoville." Use this heart sparingly, as the Post-Enlightenment Grinch heart won't be available retail for at least three years.