What does this mean to you, the everyday, common, uninteresting, lifeless citizen? Well, quite a bit! Studies have shown that certain people consume water up to three, maybe even four times a day in some cases. They are rewarded short-term by a sense of satisfaction and quenching of thirst. But what are the long-term effects of this horrible drug? Further studies have proven that every person in the past who has consumed water has eventually died. Every person! Have you ever consumed water? If so, it may be too late for you, too!

Not only that, but various medical documents and children's encyclopedias indicate that the human body consists of anywhere between 75% and 90% water. With this terribly large amount of H2O slowly and evilly oozing through our veins, intermixing with our various bodily fluids, and seeping into our brains, humans simply have no room for excessive over-dosage of household water. Imagine: your body is already practically melting with the amount of water it contains - do you want to add even more, perhaps collapsing you into a boneless, gelatinous mass, incapable of comprehensible speech or basic motor movement? I didn't think so!

So what are doctors advising? Dr. Bob (Schwartz) of the New England School of Doctorology cites that "a safe lifestyle must involve minimum, if any, consumption of pure water, replaced if possible with healthy substances such as Drano™ or insulin." Sure, this advice may sound simple and obvious, but the man who dispensed it has "Dr." in front of his name.

What do I say? It's simple, my friends: "Just say NO to H2O". I have been living a healthy and productive lifestyle on nothing but freeze-dried Twinkies and mercury since my discovery of this huge threat toward humanity - I sincerely recommend the same to you, our important and unique readers. Thank you for your time.