Discovery
of the "Wrestling Gene"
By Chris Clark |
 |
 Only
a few months ago the Reality Syndicate featured the article "The
Human Genome, What Does it All Mean?" This was a very in-depth
look into the recipe for people. Now we come to you again with a crazy
adventure in biological research!
Toiling
in the labs, isolating gene sequences for this disease and that physical
flaw, scientist stumbled upon a curios coding in the base DNA of every
mammal. Upon further research it was found that this genetic sequence
causes an innate desire to horse around and throw one's friends against
walls. They named it GX-9733.401A, or "The Wrestling Gene."
Here's
a base sequence from the fifth chromosome that the wrestling gene can
be found upon, with the gene outlined in red:
| A G G T C A G
C T A C G G G C T A G C T A G C G C G A T C G A T C G G A G C T A
G C G C T A G C G C T A G C A C G C G A C T G C G C A T G C A C T
G C G A G C G C A T G C G C A T C G A T G A G G T C A G C T A C G
G G C T A G C T A G C G C G A T C G A T C G G A G C T A G C G C T
A G C G C T A G C A C G C G A C T G C G C A T G C A C T G C G A G
C G C A T G C G C A T C G A T G A G G T C A G C T A C G G G C T A
G C T A G C G C G A T C G A T C G G A G C T A G C G C T A G C G C
T A G C A C G C G A C T G C G C A T G C A C T G C G A G C G C A T
G C G C A T C G A T G A G G T C A G C T A C G G G C T A G C T A G
C G C G A T C G A T C G G A G C T A G C G C T A G C G C T A G C A
C G C G A C T G C G C A T G C A C T G C G A G C G C A T G C G C A
T C G A T G A G G T C A G C T A C G G G C T A G C T A G C G C G A
T C G A T C G G A G C T A G C
G C T A G C G C T A G C A C G C G A C T G C G C A T G C A C T G C
G A G C G C A T G C G C A T C G A T G A G G T C A G C T A C G G G
C T A G C T A G C G C G A T C G A T C G G A G C T A G C G C T A G
C G C T A G C A C G C G A C T G C G C A T G C A C T G C G A G C G
C A T G C G C A T C G A T G |
Simply amazing! It
was staring scientists in the face for so long and they just couldn't
see the red letters until now. Morons, all of them.
Testing now shows that
the wrestling gene changes neural connections in the brain when activated.
This chart of the brain shows how the organ is divided up in the way of
duties when the gene is active:
 RED
AREAS - Modulate pulse, breathing, digestion, all major body
systems, control balance, operate speech.
BLUE AREAS - Control voluntary muscle
movement, interpret taste, touch, smell, vision, and hearing, maintain
logical thought processes and creativity, control reflexes.
GREEN AREAS
- Wrestle.
The Wrestling Gene
has been found to be dormant in most humans, only activating once or twice
a year. Some humans are found to have a constantly active Wrestling Gene,
and this has a direct affect on the following:
- Temper
- Muscular structure
- Frequency of wearing
fearsome costumes and spandex
- Frequency of using
threatening catch phrases
- Scariness of his/her
name
 Contrary
to what was first believed, the Wrestling Gene is present in all mammals,
not just humans. In this laboratory photo, two mice happened to have their
wrestling genes randomly activate simultaneously, and an entertaining
semi-choreographed brawl quickly ensued. When a third mouse declared the
fight over (the already well known "referee gene" was active
in him at the time), lab technicians cheered maniacally. The mice then
immediately returned to playful scurrying and feeding as if nothing had
happened.
The medicinal and technological
possibilities that are coupled with the discovery of the Wrestling Gene
are endless. Scientists have already devised methods of enhancing the
Gene with chemical injections to make popular sports, such as boxing,
basketball, and golf more exciting. Be looking for plenty of wrestling-related
advancements in the very near future.
-Chris Clark
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