Discovering
Yoga
By Chris Clark |
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 Yoga.
It's fun, popular, and not entirely frowned upon by the conservative right
wing establishment. It's not only a proven method of relaxation, lowed
blood pressure, and enhanced muscle tone, the practice of Yoga also serves
as a means of taking off nearly all of your clothes and bending your body
into strange positions while strangers surrounding you do the same. What
fun!
In this
article, we'll take scratch the surface of Yoga to give you, the reader,
a little peek into this wild and wacky world. Joining us to help illustrate
these positions and how to get into them is veteran Yoga guru, Chuck Jankis.
Pictured here, Chuck has -3% body fat, making him an ideal Yoga master.
He holds several titles for excellence in Yoga, all of which were self
granted.
All positions
described in this article will include a brief overview outlining the
advantages of the position, a bare-bones procedure to achieve the position
properly, and a rating. Each position is rated on a scale of one to ten
in terms of Difficulty
(how hard is it to do, physically?), Concentration
(how hard is it to do, mentally?), and Insight
(how much inner peace can be achieved by it?).
Now, on
to the Yoga!
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POSITION
#1: SILENT ANKLE
GRASP
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This
relatively easy position is best used while starting a Yoga session.
Its simplicity and low stress level coupled with moderate balance
is perfect to get the ball rolling.
Procedure:
- Lift right
leg along side of body.
- Raise left
hand and touch left ear.
- Lower right
arm and grasp right ankle.
- Hold for thirty
seconds, taking deep breaths.
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| Difficulty |
3.2
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| Concentration |
2.4
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| Insight |
1.3
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POSITION
#2: INJURED MUTE
GORILLA
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This
position helps one reconnect with his or her primal ancestry. Taking
on the gorilla like stance while symbolically removing the human
ability of language helps to provide a deep insight into our evolutionary
past, acting as a major stepping stone to inner peace.
Procedure:
- Squat slowly
until legs are bent.
- Tilt torso
to the left, keeping arms straight.
- Cover mouth
with right arm. Reach below left leg with left arm and grasp underside
of thigh.
- Hold for fifteen
seconds, then return to standing position. Repeat four times.
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| Difficulty |
1.2
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| Concentration |
2.9
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| Insight |
5.5
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POSITION
#3: LIBRARIAN CROSSING
GUARD STARFISH
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A
challenging position, this one demands balance and strength. It
helps connect the inner chakras with our brothers of another species
below the ocean and with our brothers of the same species who work
at libraries or stand in streets with signs. Only attempt this position
if you feel completely capable with no doubt.
Procedure:
- Squat slowly,
bending knees.
- Elevate right
leg behind you and bring left arm up to ninety degree angle beside
you.
- While balancing
on left foot only, balance a short stack of books (or other flat
weights) on right arm, extended.
- Hold for two
to three minutes.
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| Difficulty |
6.7
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| Concentration |
5.4
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| Insight |
6.1
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POSITION
#4: INVERTED AUGMENTED
TURTLE SHELF PLOW
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Ready
to try some truly advanced Yoga? Perhaps you're ready for
this. This odd position allows for maximum blood flow to the brain,
providing ample thinking power to focus on the mind's inner questions
and quandaries. A great deal of poise and balance is required, so
be careful!
Procedure:
- Squat, bending
knees, and slowly bring upper body toward the ground, bending
arms.
- Using arms
and head, create a tripod out of yourself and bring your legs
up into the air.
- Extend left
arm out laterally, balancing on head and right arm.
- Add books
to right arm and right foot for weight balance.
- Add a fish
bowl, preferably with live fish, to book stack on right arm for
advanced stability and equilibrium.
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| Difficulty |
8.6
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| Concentration |
8.3
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| Insight |
7.0
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POSITION
#5: FLYING ZULU SAUCER
BUTTRESS, HALF INVERTED WITH FISH
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Should
you consider yourself a true Yoga master, you may not have any trouble
achieving the previous positions. This position, however,
is enough to challenge even the most noble and wise of the Yoga
trade. It's difficulty and stress on the spine and brain are absolute,
though it provides no actual insight whatsoever. It just looks really
cool. Enjoy.
Procedure:
- Squat, bending
knees, and slowly bring upper body toward the ground, bending
arms.
- Balance on
right arm, letting left arm and legs flail comically.
- Bring down
right leg onto a stack of books behind you. Balance fish bowl
(with live fish) on hip.
- With left
leg, place a saucer on a long pole. Use left foot to spin pole
(and thus spin saucer) to keep the saucer from falling.
- Using right
arm, practice throwing spear at distant target.
- Hold for fifteen
minutes at least, all the while reciting lyrics to show tunes
by Andrew Lloyd Webber.
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| Difficulty |
9.9
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| Concentration |
9.7
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| Insight |
0.3
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Apparently
this bizarre form of exercise can be good for you, so have fun and lose
some weight! Remember though, we all must walk before we can run (unless
we're a genetically modified überbaby from the labs of Düsseldorf),
so start simple. Don't try some of the more advanced positions for at
least a few hours, as I assume only a few hours are necessary to acquire
Yoga skill.
Now go
tie your body in some hilarious and probably painful knots... through
Yoga!
-Chris Clark
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